Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
It does get better
The gut wrenching sadness has lessened. I try to concentrate on my remaining animals, and it helps. My one cat, that hates my guts, cuddles up more. The other, that liked me a bit more, snuggles. So, it will be o.k. But, it is not about me, it is about them.
My dog is just fucking clueless. She has no idea. She is only two, and can be very mean. She barks, growls, and throws whip ass all over the place. I yell at her, She does not get it.
I miss my good grey boy so much, that, it can take my breath away. I wish you could have known him. He was special to everyone that met him. And especially to me.
My dog is just fucking clueless. She has no idea. She is only two, and can be very mean. She barks, growls, and throws whip ass all over the place. I yell at her, She does not get it.
I miss my good grey boy so much, that, it can take my breath away. I wish you could have known him. He was special to everyone that met him. And especially to me.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Plan
I have decided I must come up with something to take my mind off of myself. I want to volunteer to do something every Saturday or Sunday for a couple of hours. I already know what I can't do. I can't work at the animal shelter, (It is a kill shelter) I would end up with 900 animals, be judged a horder, and sent to a mental hospital.
I will look.
I will look.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Hi
I am so sorry for that angry rant. That is all it was. I am just so sad. I have the blahs. It is the season for it for me. I just feel crappy. M. pointed out that I am still grieving over Knuckles. I think this is true. I finally washed my favorited sweat shirt I bought in Paris a couple of years ago. It had Knuckles blood on it, and when I saw it the other night, as I was doing laundry, I had a little melt down.
Tonight, I just used some stain remover and threw it into the wash with some dirty underwear. It just feels like washing his blood out of my favorite sweat shirt is cutting the cord. The final physical link I have to him. Sounds crazy I know. That is just how I feel.
I want to find something to lift my spirits. I want to help someone else that is feeling down. Maybe that would make me feel better? I have to come up with a plan.
Tonight, I just used some stain remover and threw it into the wash with some dirty underwear. It just feels like washing his blood out of my favorite sweat shirt is cutting the cord. The final physical link I have to him. Sounds crazy I know. That is just how I feel.
I want to find something to lift my spirits. I want to help someone else that is feeling down. Maybe that would make me feel better? I have to come up with a plan.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Sleepy and angry
Getting ready to go to sleep. My boy friend is an asshole. Phew, had to say that. Really, you are jealous over something that ended 10 mother fucking years ago. Go fuck yourself. Well, I guess this was an angry post. And really, I am so motherfucking so great, that you would be a dick head over me just needing a little technical advice over and accuse me of cheating. Listen dick head, I love you, but you are slowly killing this. If YOU do not believe in my feelings for you, move the fuck out and be done with me. I am sick of this shit.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Ashes
I picked up his ashes tonight. It was not nearly as awful as I thought it would be. I pretty much felt nothing. This tin is not him, it is just remains, of his remains.
I placed his cremains on the mantle, along with his paw prints, and a few pictures. It is really done and over.
hope everyone gets to experience a love of a pet, as I had. He was the best kitty ever.
I placed his cremains on the mantle, along with his paw prints, and a few pictures. It is really done and over.
hope everyone gets to experience a love of a pet, as I had. He was the best kitty ever.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Tonight
Tonight has been painful. It has been exactly one week since he has died. I am reading a good book called "Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet". It is an amazing book. It answers many questions that have been eating at me.
Last night, I ordered 10 copies of this book. I am donating these to the vet clinic in Knuckle's memory. If I can help 10 people get through this pain and loss, it will be worth it. More importantly, this act is in the memory of my good grey kitty. Nothing can ever replace him. My love will go on, and on for him.
Last night, I ordered 10 copies of this book. I am donating these to the vet clinic in Knuckle's memory. If I can help 10 people get through this pain and loss, it will be worth it. More importantly, this act is in the memory of my good grey kitty. Nothing can ever replace him. My love will go on, and on for him.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Sympathy
Today I received the call that Knuckles ashes are ready for me to pick up. I cried. It has been exactly one week ago that I made the decision to put him down. A week ago tonight I talked to M about doing this. A week ago, he was suffering. A week ago tomorrow he died.
I also received a sympathy card from the vet clinic today. The staff wrote touching messages about my good grey boy. When I read this card, I did tear up a bit, but I also smiled. He was such a good patient through the past two years. Never bared a tooth, hissed or snarled. In the card, they told me he was one of their favorite cats. I am beginning to get better over this. The boyfriend is not. I asked him if he wanted to read the card, and he told me that he just does not want to talk about Knuckles anymore. I can understand this. I have other people I can talk about him with. He and Knuckles were good buddies. Men and women are different. HA! Finally figured this out.
I also received a sympathy card from the vet clinic today. The staff wrote touching messages about my good grey boy. When I read this card, I did tear up a bit, but I also smiled. He was such a good patient through the past two years. Never bared a tooth, hissed or snarled. In the card, they told me he was one of their favorite cats. I am beginning to get better over this. The boyfriend is not. I asked him if he wanted to read the card, and he told me that he just does not want to talk about Knuckles anymore. I can understand this. I have other people I can talk about him with. He and Knuckles were good buddies. Men and women are different. HA! Finally figured this out.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Write
For a long time, I have felt the need to write. I have ignored it, but tonight my inner voice has been nagging at me to write. So, inner voice you have been heard.
My emotions are all over the place. I had to put Knuckles down on November 9th at 5:15 p.m. He was my beautiful 18 year old cat. Over two years ago, I noticed he was losing weight, and he was having a hard time navigating the stairs. I took him to the vet and he was diagnosed with diabetes. Thus began the daily insulin shots. Every morning at 8:30 a.m. He became so use to these that he would be waiting in the kitchen every morning for me to receive his dose. His health improved, but then, a year ago, I noticed a nodule at the base of his tail. I took him in to the vet, and she did a needle aspiration and determined he had fibrosarcoma, an aggressive form of cancer. I opted for surgery. He had the surgery and recovered quite nicely. But then a few months later the cancer returned. I consulted with his vet and asked "What would you do if this was your cat?" She told me that if it were her cat, she would do nothing. However, if I wanted another surgery, she would insist on chemotherapy. My decision was to do nothing.
The tumor grew. Subsequently, routine blood work revealed Knuckles had kidney problems, so, on to a special diet. I observed him. My thoughts were, if he is eating, drinking, and playing, that I would not put him down. For months he continued to eat, drink, and play. The tumor grew to a size of a softball and began oozing two weeks ago. Finally it opened up and started to bleed, all the while he was still eating, drinking, but not playing anymore. I had to confine him to a room with my other two cats to prevent him from bleeding all over the house. It broke my heart to do this.
The night before I put him to sleep, I noticed a wild, confused look in his eyes. I cuddled with him and called my best friend M. She had just put her dear dog down a month before. She reasoned with me. She told me that he would not plateau and he surely was not going to get any better. She told me to make an appointment the next day, and that she would pick Knuckles and I up and take us to the vet. M who just had a devastating loss, was willing to do this for me.
She picked us up at 5:00 and we went to the clinic. As I was carrying him in, I started to cry. M went in the room with us. She and I stroked him and cried together. It was a very gentle process, just as she said it would be.
After, as she was driving me home, I cried. I felt such guilt that I might have let it go on too long. M told me, that I had done this at the right time for him, at that I did not let it go on too long. She offered to let me stay at her place. I wanted to be home. That night I sat on my couch, and my other two cats that are not cuddlers, sat by my side and I stroked and talked to them.
My emotions are all over the place. I had to put Knuckles down on November 9th at 5:15 p.m. He was my beautiful 18 year old cat. Over two years ago, I noticed he was losing weight, and he was having a hard time navigating the stairs. I took him to the vet and he was diagnosed with diabetes. Thus began the daily insulin shots. Every morning at 8:30 a.m. He became so use to these that he would be waiting in the kitchen every morning for me to receive his dose. His health improved, but then, a year ago, I noticed a nodule at the base of his tail. I took him in to the vet, and she did a needle aspiration and determined he had fibrosarcoma, an aggressive form of cancer. I opted for surgery. He had the surgery and recovered quite nicely. But then a few months later the cancer returned. I consulted with his vet and asked "What would you do if this was your cat?" She told me that if it were her cat, she would do nothing. However, if I wanted another surgery, she would insist on chemotherapy. My decision was to do nothing.
The tumor grew. Subsequently, routine blood work revealed Knuckles had kidney problems, so, on to a special diet. I observed him. My thoughts were, if he is eating, drinking, and playing, that I would not put him down. For months he continued to eat, drink, and play. The tumor grew to a size of a softball and began oozing two weeks ago. Finally it opened up and started to bleed, all the while he was still eating, drinking, but not playing anymore. I had to confine him to a room with my other two cats to prevent him from bleeding all over the house. It broke my heart to do this.
The night before I put him to sleep, I noticed a wild, confused look in his eyes. I cuddled with him and called my best friend M. She had just put her dear dog down a month before. She reasoned with me. She told me that he would not plateau and he surely was not going to get any better. She told me to make an appointment the next day, and that she would pick Knuckles and I up and take us to the vet. M who just had a devastating loss, was willing to do this for me.
She picked us up at 5:00 and we went to the clinic. As I was carrying him in, I started to cry. M went in the room with us. She and I stroked him and cried together. It was a very gentle process, just as she said it would be.
After, as she was driving me home, I cried. I felt such guilt that I might have let it go on too long. M told me, that I had done this at the right time for him, at that I did not let it go on too long. She offered to let me stay at her place. I wanted to be home. That night I sat on my couch, and my other two cats that are not cuddlers, sat by my side and I stroked and talked to them.
Knuckles: The Good Grey Kitty has passed on
Knuckles: The Good Grey Kitty has passed on: Hi Blog, This blog was originally started when Knuckles was diagnosed with cancer. I opted for surgery a year ago. He made it another ye...
Friday, November 11, 2011
I need to get over this
It has only been two days. I am impatient. I want to be over this NOW. I am sick of hurting and missing him. I want my 18 years back. I want him sitting on the floor looking up at me, and then jumping on the couch next to me, expecting a head rub. I just want him back and I can't have him. I so want to be done with this. I don't want to hurt anymore. God, please make it stop.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
The Good Grey Kitty has passed on
Hi Blog,
This blog was originally started when Knuckles was diagnosed with cancer. I opted for surgery a year ago. He made it another year, and, sadly, I had to put him down last night, as the cancer came back. There are so many things I want to write about this, but I can't tonight. I am worn down. But, I will write more, tell the whole story, and how I am coping.
This blog was originally started when Knuckles was diagnosed with cancer. I opted for surgery a year ago. He made it another year, and, sadly, I had to put him down last night, as the cancer came back. There are so many things I want to write about this, but I can't tonight. I am worn down. But, I will write more, tell the whole story, and how I am coping.
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