I just need to write

Today a co-worker retired.  It was such a sad day for me.  I have worked with him for 20 years.  He was the first one to show me about the office.  He was the one, who, when I turned 24 years old, in the middle of the work week, that came to my apartment and(and had no one else to celebrate the day with) brought me a gift and beer, and took me out to play pool and air hockey.  He kicked my ass in pool, but I killed him in air hockey.  Happy retirement Bruce.  You have been a true friend, and I will miss your old sarcastic ass. 

Everything is o.k.

Went to the follow up exam today.  Everything was fine! 

Another Fun Day

Well, the boob smushing session did not go so well.  I have to go to get it done again.  This time at a diagnostic center.  Which, does freak me out a  bit. There was a shadow, and, they are not really concerned, but want to take a closer look. 

So, on  the bright side, I did have fun with my girlfriends this weekend.  We went up to T.C. and celebrated birthdays, an engagement, and really, just being together.  Just amazing women.

Day of Fun

Today I had to go get my mammogram (sp?)  On top of that, I started my period yesterday.  The first day of my period is not bad, but the second day always sucks.  I am always happy to have them start on the weekends so they don't mess up my work week.   So, I woke up this morning, really looking forward to having my boobs smushed, and I was in so much pain, I really thought about saying "Fuck this whole day" and calling in sick.  So, I went  to the boob smushing session, and it was not that bad.  My pain from my period just increased, so, I broke down, called in sick, and took two vicodins.  It took three hours for them to kick in.  Tomorrow should be a better day. 

The loss of an hour

I had difficulty going to sleep last night.  I did not know the loss of an hour would affect me so much.  At 12:30 last night I took an ambien.  The result, well, I woke up and was groggy as hell.  So, called my boss, and told her I would be an hour late.  I am very lucky I have a flexible schedule.  Had a great day at work today.    Full of energy, and got tons of work done. 

More crap

I have a co-worker, that use to be my boss.  He was disorganized (still is), full of himself, would fuck up, and then try to throw me under the bus for his fuck ups.  I had to spend my time documenting that I really did what really should have been done, that I asked him to follow up, which he never did.    In short order, I hated this man.  Hate is a strong word, but I did.  He made life miserable.  I will call him Chris.

Chris was very quiet yesterday.  You usually can hear him yucking it up, laughing, and undermining the people he supervises, to, well, the people that we do business with.  I noticed that he was quiet, and remarked about it to one of his underlings about how silent he was.

Today, I heard a couple of my co-workers talking about how horrible things were going for Chris.  I asked them about it.  They told me that Chris would have to tell me himself.

He did.  He invited me in to his cubicle.  His 34 year old child  has been arrested and accused of child pornography, and molesting a 5 year old girl.  He said he wanted to tell me himself.  No need, it made the nightly news tonight.  I told Chris that he and his wife should feel no guilt.  They raised their son the best that they could.  His son is in federal custody.  My heart breaks for him.

My boyfriend said, "Well that is charma (Karma?).  Remember what he did to you?"

It does not matter what he did to me.  What matters is, is that he is hurting, and no parent should have to go through this.  To see another human being so broken is heart wrenching.

Sadness

This has nothing to do with my depression.  It has to do with a young woman, that I do not even know, that was just trying to drive to work yesterday morning, lost control of her car, and got hit by a semi.  It was on 94 which is a treacherous road.  I face book stalked her, and she was only 22, and a very pretty girl.  She has family and friends that adore her.  The poor truck driver could not avoid the accident.  He is only 38, and he is tramautized.  I don't know why I am so sad about this, because I don't know these people.  There is a picture of her on facebook cuddling with her dog.  That made me cry even more.  Samantha's human friends will understand why she is gone.  Her dog will not.

New meds

I will be starting a new drug tomorrow.  I come from a long line of  depressed people.  I talked with my mom tonight and we kind of bitched about how it is not fair. About how everything in life is really seeming like it is going well, but, you still feel like shit.  Then, you have to go to your doctor to get meds. 

There will be periods of time, when things are going great.  Then, for no reason, there is a crash.  And, it is not pretty.  There is no outward big explosion, to the world, your boss, or to anyone. It happens to you.   It is a paralysis (did I spell that correctly?  I am a shitty speller.  I probably did not even spell shitty right but oh well.  Did I tell you I am also neuor....of, never mind.  I did not spell para... Stop it.  I am numb.  That is easier to spell.)

Again scattered is the best way I can describe my mind.  First dose of the lexapro tomorrow.  Wish me luck.  Hugs.  K

This and That

Not much to say really.  Had lunch today with my union buddies.  It was a nice lunch that was paid for by our Chicago union (well, really paid by for us too since we pay dues).  We use to have one of our own, but, our office has become so small that we are now part of Chicago instead of having our independent branch. 

I could not eat much, because when I get depressed my appetite disapears.  I had a half of a sandwich yesterday, and a couple of bites today.  Out of curosity this morning, I got on the scale, and wow, I do need to lose weight.  So this funky feeling is a bitch, but there is one upside to it.  I will lose some weight.

Two alpha females

I am watching my good friend's beagle while she is working in the Detroit area.  Lily is a good girl, but she likes to be in charge.  My dog, Layla, likes to be in charge as well.  So, it has led to numerous time outs.  Layla likes to tease, Lily likes to pull hair.  Hmmm, maybe how children would be?

The celexa did not work so well for me.  I took the first dose yesterday and was up until 2 or 3 this morning.  I called in sick.  I tried another dose today, and feel like I could burst out of my skin.  Soooo, I will call my doctor and ask for something else.  M. told me to ask for lexapro.  I will ask for this tomorrow.

Today I just read.  I am really into memoirs.  Finished one today.

I am really excited that people have read my blog!  Three people:)

Seasonal Affective Disorder Syndrome (SADS)

I have been doing everything I can for my SADS.  I have a therapy light at my desk and take vitamins.  This seemed to work for awhile.  I think it is deeper than this.  I am going to start taking my celexa tomorrow.  For the past two weeks I have been unfocused at work, restless, and I just can't concentrate. 

There are anniversaries of certain events.  My good friend Molly died two years ago, February 18th.  She died in her sleep.  She was only 39 and suffered from juvenille diabetes. 

I am so scattered that it is hard to even write, but I feel I need to, to get this stuff out.

I worry about death constantly. Not just my own, but the deaths of everyone I care for.  I use to take very good care of myself.  Plenty of exercise and I ate well.  I took care of my house.  But, now, I feel like I am a mess.  I have physical pain when I exercise (beyond the normal aches and pains), a dirty house, and I just worry all the time.  Hopefully getting back on an antidepressant takes care of all of this sadness and anxiety.

I have a great job, great friends and family and a wonderful home.  I am so blessed and fortunate.

There is no reasoning with depression though.  Genetics are a bitch.

Write

Here I am again.  I guess I should write.   My life is sooooooooo boring.  I love my weekends though.  I cuddle with my dog, who is such a hateful 13 lbs of fluff.  We mostly fight over her balls and "blue man".  She throws her shit at me, and barks until I engage in the fight, or maybe it is play.  So, she brings a ball to me, and drops it by my side.  Then, she barks her ass off, until I reach for it.  Then, she snatches it up, and runs off.  This game bores me.  I am losing my hearing.  With "bule man", a little stuffed toy, she throws it, and her balls at me.  She will throw the ball, and then I don't get it, and she lays on top of "blue man".  There is no way of winning with this dog.  Shit.